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Daughter of a Narcissistic Mom

Daughters of Narcissistic Moms

Daughter of a Narcissistic Mom

Narcissistic moms create emotional turmoil for their daughters.

Our moms nurture our sense of self through their touch, acceptance, understanding, empathy and guidance.  We look up to our moms and use her as a role model for our own lives.  We crave her attention and praise.  We need her understanding, compassion and time.  She protects us from harm, provides shelter and teaches us how to cope when others are cruel.  Her ability to let us know that she understands our fear, confusion, joy and excitement, supports our own feelings, adding value to our self-esteem.

Emotionally healthy moms raise emotionally healthy daughters.

Daughters of emotionally strong moms are confident and are usually capable of navigating their way through life.  They have a strong sense of self; they know who they are, what they like and what they are willing to tolerate.  They have respect others, as well as themselves.  Emotionally stable daughters will understand personal boundaries and live within them.  Mom has taught them to have their own, unique set of values and build a life around them.

Daughters of narcissistic mom are very different.

These girls lack confidence, have very little self-esteem and are unable to trust their own ability to make decisions.  They feel as though every one is judging them, struggle to make friends and appear to be shy in social situations.  Anxiety and depression are common with girls raised by narcissistic moms.  Because these girls live with uncertainty, they are constantly on the look-out for trouble, desperately trying to avoid it at all costs.  This creates a co-dependency that will dictate the rest of their lives, if they are not able to get help.

Signs you were raised by a narcissistic mom

  • You frequently second-guess yourself.
  • You wonder if you’ll ever be happy.
  • You don’t trust your judgement & decisions.
  • You find yourself constantly apologizing.
  • You don’t invite your friends to your house.
  • You struggle to concentrate & focus on your school work.
  • You feel like you can’t do anything right.
  • You feel that you just aren’t good enough.
  • You often cancel plans with friends (if you have any).
  • You hide your emotional turmoil from family and friends.

You have learned to read facial expressions and use these as a marker for your own judgement.  Constant self-doubt and worry prevent you from fully engaging in conversations.  Other people appear to be happy and you know that happiness is only for the lucky ones, and you are not one of them.  Your most common phrase is “I’m sorry.” because you know that no matter what you do, you will have disappointed someone.  School is a serious struggle for you because you are not comfortable in social situations, your mind wanders (worrying about what you did wrong at home that will cause trouble later), you are not able to direct all of your attention to your school work.

Common behaviours of a narcissistic mom

  • Lack of boundaries
  • Emotionally unavailable
  • Control
  • Manipulation
  • Triangulation
  • Shaming
  • Compete for affection
  • Self-entitlement

Lack of boundaries – Mom will expect you to respect her personal space and privacy, but will not respect yours.

Emotionally unavailable – Mom is not a shoulder to cry, vent to or celebrate with.  She will criticize your emotions and make your story about her somehow.

Control  – You will not be able to make decisions about your future, friends or really anything else.  She will attend and control your doctor’s appointments, your school schedule, extra-curricular activities & hobbies.  She will establish unachievable expectations and chastise you for not living up to her standards. She will not teach you basic life skills (laundry, cooking, cleaning) because you will never be good enough at it.   She may demand that you do these tasks, but without instruction, ultimately setting you up for failure.

Manipulation – Masters of the guilt trip, “I do everything for you and this is what I get in return?” She will twist your words to suit her and believe that she is being victimized by you.

Triangulation – She sill make you believe that others agree with her opinions and disagree with yours.  She will complain to family & friends about you, making them believe that you are a horrible child.  This leaves you feeling isolated and allows her to continue to control & manipulate you.

Shaming – She will compare you to your siblings, her friend’s children or anyone else to point out that they are so much better than you.  You will never measure up to her expectations and she will be more than happy to point that out whenever she gets the chance.

Competes for affection – She will not allow you to have a close bond with your dad because this will be a threat to her marriage.  She will make sure dad (partner) is on her side and views you the same way she does.

Self-entitlement – Her emotional needs will always be met before yours. She will claim ownership of your clothes, your room, the food, and everything in the home which will allow her to make ridiculous rules for these items.  Because she owns these things, she can decide when you are deserving of them.

Can the Damage be Undone?

Damage is never really undone, however; you can learn from this experience, heal and live a fully functioning, happy life – if you choose to.  As with any trauma, time will be your best friend.

  • Your past is not your fault, your future is your responsibility!
  • Understand that anything your mom said to you was not about you, but a reflection of how she feels about herself.
  • Focus your attention on your inner voice & be kind to you.
  • Take time to get to know the real you – personal interests, likes/dislikes & try new things.
  • Forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time.
  • Have faith that with new information & understanding – you will do better in the future.
  • Fall in love with YOU – then find someone who truly loves you just as much!!

Maggie

My given name is Margaret but I like to go by Maggie. That’s where it all starts. I figured it out that life is all about what you want and what you need from yourself. A simple nickname shows just that. But that’s not all about me. I suppose I should start from the beginning.

maggie

Much like everybody else, my childhood was not perfect. It had some very tumultuous times that affected how I showed up in life as an adult. I moved around a lot as a kid for one of my parents jobs and had to adapt to changing conditions all the time. That included making new friends and being in a continuous state of feeling like I had to prove myself.  Not only that, life within the walls of whatever home I was in was not as it seemed. The one thing that I figured out early on was the fact that I could control a few things: how successful I was either in sports, hobbies, choir, or school.  I thought that would bring me joy and happiness as well as to please everybody around me. While I was really good at being successful in those ways, I found that it was actually not fulfilling at all for me. 

This all led to many years of searching for something that I wasn’t quite sure what it was, which then led to a lot of bad decisions in choosing relationships, friendships and also finding myself in situations that impacted the rest of my life. Traumatic situations. Not knowing how to deal with these I turned to more destructive patterns of behavior and never really learned about who I was, or how to present myself to the world in a truly genuine way.  Then all of a sudden, I found myself in the city that I wanted to live in, the perfect job, and by all accounts from an outsider’s perspective the perfect life. 

Empty attachment or post type not equal ‘attachment’

That might have seemed great, but for some reason I felt so empty and alone with not many relationships or that partner in life that I yearned for.  I felt lost. That was when it happened; I was in a desperate situation with another toxic partner and I knew that it was now finally time for me to take control of my own life.  I didn’t exactly know how this was going to happen but there was some kind of pull that told me I had had enough.  It was not an easy road but it needed to be done in order to live my best life.  At first I thought that might have been selfish of me, but then I realized that I have to get myself right in order to show up in the world for others the way I so deeply wanted to.

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Truth Seeking

After some searching, reading a lot of articles, going to several therapists (I actually did this throughout my earlier life as well), I determined that there were some main areas in my life that were lacking (with the help of a coach – THIS WAS IT!). For me personally, those areas were relationships and connecting to others, finding something that was intellectually stimulating, and improving my spiritual side. Those were my three tasks and boy was I determined.

After close to a year of working hard on these three areas I found myself on the other side of any despair, worry, anxiety, depression, and all of those other nasty terms that we like to put on ourselves.  Instead, I was taking control of my life and realizing that nothing in this world can control me.  I can only control myself and my own emotions.  All of these things that I thought where making me feel down or sad or mad were not really doing anything.  It was all me.  I learned that the only suffering that is in my life is caused by myself and my mind.  Sure, things bad happen in life, but good things do too.  I am now able to ride that wave with sincerity and compassion to keep myself on the middle way.  That makes life quite simple and extremely fulfilling no matter the situation in front of me.

Now I am bound and determined to help other people live their best life as well. I have life experience (along with the educational background) to help others help themselves and get rid of unnecessary suffering in their lives. I know that some of you reading this or are thinking at this point that there is no way that you can do the same thing; I thought that too. All it takes is a little trust and a gentle compassion for yourselfand everything is at your fingertips. It is all right there!  All you might need is a little push or even just someone to draw the curtain back for you to see your worth and ability to be in this world the way you deserve. Some of my specialties include working with spirituality, trauma, depression and anxiety, and just everyday life in general. That includes how you relate to yourself, others, and the world. Come with me on this beautiful journey!

Join me,