If you know me, you know that I am about the hard truth. I will dig into situations and expose the ugly core, what really lies underneath all the pain, stress & heartbreak. And the truth is, sometimes you are the problem, you are the only one who is standing in your way.
Here’s what I mean:
The demise of a relationship is never 1 person’s fault. The blame needs to be shared equally, in all situations. Most people are going to disagree with this, citing abuse, infidelity or a number of other breakdowns; but the hard truth is, you were there. You played a role. Even if your role was to stay too long, you still contributed to the problem. Bear with me, I will explain further.
Playing the Blame Game
- When you have an argument with your spouse, do you hold a grudge or are you able to simply move on after the smoke has cleared?
- Are you able to kiss & make up immediately, or do you need to keep your distance, lick your wounds & wait for an apology?
- While you are angry, will you allow your spouse to come close to try to sooth or console you, or do you push him/her away?
If your answer was grudge, distance & push; then you have a hard time letting go of hurt. You struggle to get over what has been said or done (or if you’re a woman; not said & not done). This argument has left you feeling unloved and perhaps violated to some degree.
Your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel.
You see, most times, when we feel hurt, it is because something in our present situation has triggered something unresolved from a past situation. We are then projecting the old pain onto our current partner. In the moment, you whole-heartedly believe that your partner is to blame for the hurt feelings, because they are standing right there, but it may be stemming from something much different.
In the heat of the moment, we often respond to what we see, hear & feel. Everything in that moment is on the surface. What we are not aware of, is how are brains are sensing the familiarity of the situation, recalling past events with similar circumstances, and in a desperate attempt to ensure your survival, bring up the emotions you felt way back then that have very little to do with the situation at hand. Because you are unaware of your brains involvement in this argument, you accept those feelings as a response to the current situation. This, is projection. When you blame your current partner for your unresolved past issues.
Surface dwellers will remain on the surface of every situation. They will avoid, at all costs, peeling back the layers and truly examining what lays beneath the surface, beneath the pain, beneath the frustration, resentment & disappointment. Instead, they blame the last person that triggered the negative emotions – which is usually the current partner.
Healing Your Past
As I said in the beginning (and thank you for having enough faith in me to continue to this point), if your relationships keep failing, the only constant is YOU. If your cycle of relationships is toxic or abusive, there is something in your past that is drawing you to this toxicity.
Your past is not your fault – your future is your responsibility.Unknown
It takes two to tango, and the only way to have a healthy relationship, is to bring healthy people into the relationship. If one of you brings obvious toxicity, chances are the other has brought hidden, unacknowledged toxicity.
Check yourself. Sometimes, you are the toxic person. Sometimes, you are the mean, negative person you are looking to push away. Sometimes the problem is you.
That doesn’t make you less worthy. Keep growing. Keep on checking yourself. Keep motivating yourself. Mistakes are opportunities. Look at them, own them, grow from them & move on. Do better. Be better. Your human, it’s ok to admit that sometimes, you’re the one who is ridiculous.
Firstly, I want to congratulate you on getting this far. This was not an easy post to read & I appreciate your ability to accept some really hard truths.
- Accountability. Own your shit. Stop throwing it at the people around you, the ones who truly love you.
- Find support. There are many different avenues to seek support in healing your past. If the wounds are deep, therapy might be the answer. Counseling or group therapy are great places to start. A Life Coach can help you become aware of your old habits and begin to replace them with healthy, new habits.
- Educate yourself. The internet can be a great tool, if used properly. Find blogs, webinars, podcasts and other forms of helpful insight. Here is a link to get you started.
- Forgiveness. Forgive your partner for whatever it is that brought you here. Forgive yourself for your own past.
The best truths, are usually the hard truths. Thank you for staying with me on this one. I know it wasn’t easy. Leave me a comment below if any of this resonated with you. The more we talk about this, the better we are equipped to deal with it. You never really know who needs to hear your story.