Four Steps to Building Your Life on Your Terms

Building your life doesn’t have to be a long, drawn-out, complicated process. It’s very similar to building a home; the same elements are required.

Building Your Life on Your Terms

To build a home, you start with a solid foundation, then you add a frame or structure, clad the exterior & add a roof and the final step is decorating. It is really that simple, but how does that apply to building your own life? Follow along and I will explain it all!

Foundation

Everything stable starts with a solid foundation. This foundation includes your Core Beliefs, your Values and the expectations you have for yourself.

Most of us grow up with expectations set out for us. Rules that others (usually parents) have created.

  • You need to focus on an education
  • You need to get a job
  • You need to “suck it up”
  • You need to follow family traditions (join the military, work in the family business, have a large family, etc…)
  • You need to make others happy first.

The list of “you need” is endless, exhausting and anxiety inducing. If there is anything on this list that doesn’t truly feed your soul, you will get anxious when trying to complete this task. We all know the signs & symptoms of anxiety. Over time, anxiety spreads like a virus and eventually, every task becomes overwhelming.

This anxiety is a very clear sign that you are trying to live someone else’s life. You are not living the life you were designed to live.

Creating a clear vision of who you are is the first step to reducing your anxiety. Your life has taught you a very unique set of skills and created a deeper level of understanding. This wisdom is where you begin to discover your Core Values. Follow this link to get started on your Core Values right now, but be sure to come back here to finish building your life.

Structure

Now that we have started to secure our foundation, we should start to think about the structure that is going to hold everything together.

A house in it’s simplest form has 4 walls. These are the exterior walls and all the good stuff happens inside them. So let’s create 4 Goals that will helps us map out a successful first year in your new home.

Goals are such an interesting concept. Everybody talks about goals, but have you ever learned how to actually create goals that are achievable?

There are several steps to creating attainable goals:

  • Know your goal & be specific. What are you hoping to achieve?
  • What do you need to HAVE to achieve the goal? Money, passport, education, support?
  • What do you need to DO to achieve this goal? Alter your diet, create a resume, apply to school, join a group or team?
  • Who will help you achieve your goal? Family, friend, co-worker, professional?
  • How will you know that you have achieved your goal? How will you feel, what will you have, what will you know?
  • What are the tiny little steps you need to complete everyday to get you closer to your goal?

Who will help you achieve your goal?

This is mapping out your goal. Be very specific. Create 4 Goals that can be achieved in 1 year.

  • Personal – this is almost like a “Bucket List”. Think of something you have always wanted to do? What can you check off your Bucket List this year? Travel, learn a skill, join a group or team?
  • Professional – How will you advance or change your career in 1 year? Do you need to upgrade your education, take a course, gain a certification, upgrade your resume, or switch companies?
  • Health – how can you improve your health in 1 year? Break a habit (smoking, drinking), join a gym, change your diet, seek support?
  • Financial – how will you change your current financial situation in 1 year? Earn more money, save money, downsize, break a habit?

Our Team is available to help you understand what you want to achieve and create a detailed map to ensure your success.

Protection from the Elements

What good is a house, if it doesn’t protect you from rain, snow cold or heat? A house is clad with wood or bricks, has windows, doors and a leak-proof roof. All of these elements work simultaneously to shelter you from the harmful effects that Mother Nature has been known to throw at you.

So what protects you from potential threats of harm as you travel through life? Our greatest defence against the harmful effects of life is relationships. Solid, loving, supportive & nurturing relationships. Surrounding yourself with the right people.

As humans, we were designed to live in colonies or communities. These communities are supposed to protect us from harm. I will be the first to admit that not all colonies offer effective defence against the trials of life, but it is possible to create your circle of care.

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something; they’re trying to find someone who will make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place to give, not a place to receive.

Tony Robbins

So, what do you have to offer in a relationship? Before entering (or exiting) a relationship we should probably do a little self-analysis.

  • Are you looking for someone who can fill a void? Someone who will make you happy?
  • Are you looking for stability?
  • Are you looking for financial security?
  • Are you looking for a co-parent your children?

Do you have your basic needs met?

  • Do you have safe shelter, enough sleep, clothing & food?
  • Do you have a sense of safety, security & protection?
  • Do you have people who love you & accept you just as you are?
  • Do you love, accept and truly appreciate who you are?
  • Do you have the means for self-growth, development & change?

If you answered YES to all of the above questions, then you are ready for a happy, healthy relationship. If you got stuck on one or more, then you should probably work on YOU before you try to explore a relationship.

Reach out for support, if you feel you need to enhance any of the 5 areas of your life.

Moving In

Now that you have built a solid foundation, created structure and built your means of protection, it’s time to finally move in!!

Throughout this process, you should have gained a clearer understanding of who you are, what you want, what you need and who will support you. Let’s put all of this together and create a very powerful, profoundly honest Mission Statement.

This statement is like a shingle you hang on your front door, an indication of what visitor can expect when they walk inside.

Your statement looks like this:

I see, feel, hear & know that I am __________ because I ______________________!


In the first blank space goes an adjective that best describes who you are. Go back to your Core Values and pick 1 that truly resonates with you. The second blank space is how you know this is true. You have survived, persevered, helped others, fought for change, inspired action. Whatever you have accomplished in your life, is now the theme for who you are today!!

That’s it. Short, sweet & to the point. We have cleared out all the other stuff that bogs you down and discourages your progress.

Build a foundation, add some structure, re-enforce with protection and decorate. Your Life on Your Terms!

Please click on EVENTS for more information

We know that sometimes you need a little support or guidance to work through tasks such as this. We have put all of this into a 1 day workshop that is powerful & life altering!! Please click on EVENTS for a workshop near you.

How to Eliminate Anxiety

Anxiety ranges from racing thoughts to racing heart beats. The “what if” thoughts swirl in your head, each one creating more chaos than the last. Your chest tightens, it’s difficult to breathe, you can’t sleep and your heart feels like it wants to run away. These anxiety attacks can last a few minutes or days. Some people can still function through, while others require professional interventions such as medications, counseling or hospitalization.

IF you require professional support to manage your anxiety, please speak with them before trying anything new, like the tips I have for you today.

You can be controlled by anxiety, or you can control your anxiety.

My Story

I struggled with anxiety for years. The horrible racing thoughts, my heart beating out of my chest and paralyzing fear that would stop me dead in my tracks. I have been rushed to the hospital countless times for an irregular heart beat, sudden asthma attacks and even possible cardiac events. This was all before the age of 35. Each time I went, we only talked about the presenting symptoms, never the whole picture. Therefore, I was put on medications to maintain my heart rhythm, given puffer for my asthma & assigned a cardiologist. But it wasn’t A-Fib, asthma or anything else – it was anxiety. I was terrified of life. Terrified that I would never be good enough. Terrified of making the wrong choice. Terrified of screwing it all up.

I am not that person any more. Today, I am excited about life. I live my life on purpose and with only the best of intentions, and you can too.

We get anxious or stressed when we overestimate the situation, and underestimate our ability to deal with it.

9 Tips to Help with Anxiety

  1. Set your own expectations. When you are desperately trying to measure up to someone else’s expectations, you will fail every time.
  2. Get to know YOU. What do you like/dislike? What brings you joy? What are you good at?
  3. Find your tools. There are several tools out there to help you reduce an anxiety attack when it happens. Find the tools that work for you. (I can help you find tools)
  4. Insert reality. You have been here before and you survived. You have proven that you have the ability to handle this.
  5. Just breathe. Really learn to breathe, with purpose, intention and love. Focus on your breath, in & out, nice & slow.
  6. Find your tribe. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Inspire you. Challenge you to be/do more.
  7. Social cleanse. Reduce the time you spend with people who bring you down, stress you out.
  8. Get connected. Find a class, group or organization that feeds your passion. Join a team and get active!
  9. Find your purpose. We are all here for a reason. You have survived unspeakable events because of your strength, resilience & determination. How will you pay that forward to those that need your help?

Your Life on Your Terms

All of the tips listed above, have 1 thing in common – this is your life; you make the rules, you decide who to share it with, you create your story. You have the power to completely alter the direction of your life, if you want to. You can be controlled by anxiety, or you can choose to control it. You can be controlled by others, or you can choose to control yourself. You can choose. It’s entirely up to you.

You have been through a lot in your life time, I know. You see, these events didn’t happen TO you, they happened FOR you. Each event taught you something new about yourself. You have a very unique set of skills, knowledge, understanding & wisdom. No one else on the planet has everything you do. Take sometime to understand the lessons your life has taught you, then find a way to share this wisdom with those who need you.

Eliminating Anxiety

Time & Patience

It takes time but with patience & understanding you can learn to strengthen your resilience. You will learn that stress is a primal instinct designed for our survival, but it doesn’t have to define who we are & what we are capable of.

There are workshops & events all over the country that will help you gain the tools, build your tribe & increase your power. Make the investment in YOU – because you are worth it!!!

Design Your Life on Your Terms

This event will teach you how to truly appreciate everything you have been through, what it has taught you and how to use that information to Design Your Life on Your Terms. I truly hope you will join us!!!

You can purchase your ticket here.

Andrea Scarborough – Your Life on Your Terms

Core Values

Core Values

Core Values are a person’s principles or standards of behavior; their judgment of what is important in life.

What are your Core Values? How do you figure out what your Core Values are? Why would you even waste your time trying to figure them out?

What are your Core Values? How do you figure out what your Core Values are? Why would you even waste your time trying to figure them out?

You have to stand for something, or you’ll fall for anything.

~unknown

Those that stand for something, have a level of expectation for themselves and those around them. They believe in things like self-respect, honesty, accountability and compassion, to name a few. Having these beliefs allows you to behave in a way that aligns with them and also practise safe personal boundaries,  choose friends that will inspire and encourage you to be the best you can be.

Those that do not understand their Core Values will fall for anything. Lack of respect for themselves, or others usually results in feeling as though they are a victim because they lack accountability for their actions. They choose the easy, fun friends and skip class, break curfew, miss assignments at school, and feel that life is and always will be a struggle.

Definition
Common Core Values

If your life is a struggle, maybe you need to re-evaluate your what’s truly important. Life presents you with challenges, or life lessons. Some of these lessons are difficult and some of them hurt. But, if you take the time to understand your Core Values, these struggles will start to appear not as struggles, but as lessons. You will begin to learn from them, see where you can make improvements, and slowly step forward.

Core Values are quite simple.

Choose the 10 most important Core Values, from the list below:

  1. Acceptance: to be open to and accepting of myself, others, life, etc.
  2. Adventure: to be adventurous; to actively seek, create, or explore novel or stimulating experiences
  3. Agency: to choose how I live and behave and help others do likewise; to be self-supportive and choose my own way of doing things.
  4. Assertiveness: to respectfully stand up for my rights and request what I want
  5. Authenticity: to be authentic, genuine, and real; to be true to myself
  6. Beauty: to appreciate, create, nurture, or cultivate beauty in myself, others, the environment, etc.
  7. Caring: to be caring toward myself, others, the environment, etc.
  8. Challenge: to keep challenging myself to grow, learn, and improve
  9. Compassion: to act with kindness toward those who are suffering
  10. Conformity: to be respectful and obedient of rules and obligations
  11. Connection: to engage fully in whatever I am doing, and be fully present with others
  12. Contribution: to contribute, help, assist, or make a positive difference to myself or others
  13. Cooperation: to be cooperative and collaborative with others
  14. Courage: to be courageous or brave; to persist in the face of fear, threat, or difficulty
  15. Creativity: to be creative or innovative
  16. Curiosity: to be curious, open-minded, and interested; to explore and discover
  17. Encouragement: to encourage and reward behavior that I value in myself or others
  18. Equality: to treat others as equal to myself, and vice versa
  19. Excitement: to seek, create, and engage in activities that are exciting, stimulating, or thrilling
  20. Fairness: to be fair to myself or others
  21. Fitness: to maintain or improve my fitness; to look after my physical and mental health and well-being
  22. Flexibility: to adjust and adapt readily to changing circumstances
  23. Forgiveness: to be forgiving toward myself or others
  24. Freedom: to live freely; to choose how I live and behave, or help others do likewise
  25. Friendliness: to be friendly, companionable, or agreeable toward others
  26. Fun: to be fun-loving; to seek, create, and engage in fun-filled activities
  27. Generosity: to be generous, sharing, and giving, to myself or others
  28. Gratitude: to be grateful for and appreciative of the positive aspects of myself, others, and life
  29. Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others
  30. Humility: to be humble or modest; to let my achievements speak for themselves
  31. Humor: to see and appreciate the humorous side of life
  32. Impact: to exert myself into the universe in a way I believe is important. I work for what I want, not what others want from me.
  33. Independence: to be self-supportive, and choose my own way of doing things
  34. Industry: to be industrious, hard-working, and dedicated
  35. Intimacy: to open up, reveal, and share myself — emotionally or physically — in my close personal relationships
  36. Justice: to uphold justice and fairness
  37. Kindness: to be kind, compassionate, considerate, nurturing, or caring toward myself or others
  38. Love: to act lovingly or affectionately toward myself or others
  39. Mindfulness: to be conscious of, open to, and curious about my here-and-now experience
  40. Open-mindedness: to think things through, see things from others’ points of view, and weigh evidence fairly
  41. Order: to be orderly and organized
  42. Patience: to wait calmly for what I want
  43. Persistence: to continue resolutely, despite problems or difficulties
  44. Pleasure: to create and give pleasure to myself or others
  45. Power: to strongly influence or wield authority over others, e.g., taking charge, leading, organizing
  46. Reciprocity: to build relationships in which there is a fair balance of giving and taking
  47. Respect: to be respectful toward myself or others; to be polite, be considerate, and show positive regard
  48. Responsibility: to be responsible and accountable for my actions
  49. Romance: to be romantic; to display and express love or strong affection
  50. Safety: to secure, protect, or ensure safety of myself or others
  51. Self-awareness: to be aware of my own thoughts, feelings, and actions
  52. Self-care: to look after my health and well-being, and get my needs met
  53. Self-control: to act in accordance with my own ideals
  54. Self-development: to keep growing, advancing, or improving in knowledge, skills, character, or life experience.
  55. Sensuality: to create, explore, and enjoy experiences that stimulate the five senses
  56. Sexuality: to explore or express my sexuality
  57. Skillfulness: to continually practice and improve my skills, and apply myself fully when using them
  58. Soul in the Game: I believe it is an ethical concern that I put my money and time where my mouth is, that I have no divorce between what I preach and my lifestyle. I believe the highest form of ethics is to take on risk for others.
  59. Spirituality: to connect with things bigger than myself
  60. Supportiveness: to be supportive, helpful, encouraging, and available to myself or others
  61. Trust: to be trustworthy; to be loyal, faithful, sincere, and reliable
  62. Insert your own value here.

Note: This list was originally sourced from thehappinesstrap.com

Once you have your top 10, use those words to create your own standard of personal ethics, or rules to live by.

Live Your Life on Your Terms

Some mental health issues are a result of trying to live your life by the expectations others have set for you.  By creating your own list of Core Values, you are learning to set your own expectations and create a life you are fully free to live in.  Setting your own standards will reduce anxiety, depression & stress.

What to do with your Core Values

Your new list of Core Values are a list of your rules to live by.

  • Print & post your Values in a place where you will be reminded daily.
  • Refer to your list during times of stress, overwhelm, anxiety or depression.
  • Apply your values to situations you encounter:

Someone at work has spoken about you behind your back.  Usually this would stress you out, anger you or cause you to spiral inwards.  Apply your Core Values:

Acceptance – understand that this person also has a story of grief or shame & is unable to fully accept their own issues.

Forgiveness – forgive the gossip because you are aware of the truth.

Kindness – perhaps this person truly needs a friend

Be Patient

Like anything new, living your life by your own expectations is a little scary and foreign.  It will take time to fully integrate this new practice into your daily life.

If you are struggling with one or more of your values, consider reviewing your list and making some changes.  This is your life & these are your rules; you can rewrite them as often as you need to ensure it reflects exactly who you wish to be.

What’s next?

Congratulations on wanting to create a life on your terms!!  I know (from personal experience) that starting this new chapter can be daunting.  Here are a few additional resources to ensure your success:

  • Journaling – learn to journal your thoughts & life’s events to help you process the information in line with your new Core Values.
  • Teach my Children – teaching your children to set their own core values will go along way to reducing bullying, ensuring future success as well as incorporating valuable coping skills.
  • I need help! – Schedule a very powerful 1 hour chat to discover your authentic self!!  Answer 12 simple questions & experience a life-altering session that will help you uncover your truest self!!
  • I don’t know where to start – choose from a variety of services to help you get started.
  • Find a Tribe of Women on a Mission – Join a group of women on this journey who will support, encourage & empower you to explore the best version of YOU!

I sincerely hope you found value in reading this post.  Please leave a comment below of you Care Values.  We’d love to hear how this helped you.

We wish you success on your new journey.  Please let us know if we can help in any way.  <3

Your Life on Your Terms

Surviving Life with a Teenager

Surviving Life with a Teenager

Back when we were teens

Twenty-five – thirty years ago, the world was a different place.  The internet was in it’s infancy, cellphones were massive & usually installed in your car and satellite dishes were just making their way into homes (or backyards).  Kids played outside with their friends and were involved in after-school programs, community groups and sports teams.  At home, there were chores to help out around the house.  In high school, you had a part-time job with the responsibility of getting there unsupervised.  School projects were researched in the library using a very heavy set of Encyclopedia’s and pictures cut out of magazines (cut & paste had a much different definition).  If there was a question to be answered, you had to go find an adult.   Back in the 80’s or 90’s, life was a little simpler and the world just a little smaller.  Our basic needs were met through interpersonal relationships that do not exist today.

Today, with the internet at our finger tips and cable TV, our children have access to information 24/7.  Not all the information is helpful or accurate.  Today, we have an extreme influx of Teens diagnosed with Depression & Anxiety.  Today, we also have a government that feels they are being helpful by making prescriptions free to those under 25 (but we’ll talk about that in a later post).

I recently read an article  by Johann Hari “Is everything you think you know about depression wrong?“**  Hari talks about his search for answers regarding his own clinical diagnosis and comes across some very interesting points to ponder.  The outcome is a new thought process surrounding depression & anxiety – yes there are biological components in some cases that may require medications combined with therapy to over-come, however; there are key factors to how we live today that directly contribute to these diagnosis.

So, let’s compare 1980 to 2018.

 

In the 80’s, kids played outside.  Their friends were physically connected, by streets, school, teams, relations.

Face to face relationships teach us a multitude of skills:

  • Interpersonal skills
  • Social skills
  • Team-work
  • Communication
  • Problem-solving
  • Compromise
  • Accountability
  • Honesty
  • Self-esteem
  • Patience

Physically connecting with people also serves our basic psychological needs of belonging, acceptance and value.  We, as humans need to belong to a group.  We were not designed to be solitary and thus we live in colonies or families and communities.  We need to feel as though we are a valued member of the group; our thoughts, feelings and opinions matter.

It is believed that some diagnosed cases of depression or anxiety are rooted in denying basic psychological needs and thus we have the influx that we are seeing today.  There is also growing research that tells us that technology has the same effect on the brain as heroine or cocaine.  Creating a strong, debilitating addiction.

Creating Stability

If you are depressed and anxious, you are not a machine with malfunctioning parts. You are a human being with unmet needs. The only real way out of our epidemic of despair, is for all of us, together, to begin to meet those human needs – a deep connection, to the things that really matter in life. ~ Johann Hari

If you have a Teen that is struggling, take a look at the broader picture.  Are their basic needs being met? Do they have the skills they need to succeed?  Do they belong to a group?  Do they feel valued?

When one member of the family struggles, the entire family struggles.  I have found that the best way to create stability in the family is to look at the family as a whole.  Raising children today is difficult, I know that.  We are rather quick to point the blame to external forces rather than admit that perhaps we are less than perfect.  There are no perfect parents, but I will tell you, the best ones are the parents who are willing to take a look at themselves to find solutions for their children.  It’s not about what you’re doing wrong, it’s about finding processes that fit your family, and the needs of every individual in your family.

Getting your family back on track may not be a long, complicated process.  We may be able to find solutions and implement processes  that will see dramatic results in as little as 6 weeks.  Together we will explore the processes that work for your family, and through simple conversation, a few fun & engaging games, we will begin to implement strategies that ensure basic needs are met.  We will expand your awareness and allow you to visualize your family’s unlimited possibilities.

Let’s start a conversation.

I’m ready when you are,

Loads of love,

~Andrea

 

Reference:

**Johann Hari 

Are You Excited To Go Home Every Night?

Remember When….

…….this relationship first started; full of curiosity, excitement, joy?

……The hopes & dreams that flooded your heart when you first held your child in your arms?

…….You & your partner watched your child achieve all those first milestones; sitting up, holding a bottle, first steps, first tooth, first day of school?

Where did that excitement go?  That feeling of desperately wanting to hang on to a moment and cherish it forever?  Never wanting it to end.  The feeling excitement when you spoke to your best friend about this new adventure, new person, new milestone?  Let’s get that back!! 🙂

Today…

…..you are multitasking meals, work emails, homework, sports, laundry and quickly scanning a blog.  Are you able to offer your full attention to any of them, do you have the  time?

Every member of your family is in a different room, on the internet chatting with friends, responding to emails, checking quotes, playing games,  watching videos, and everyone has 1 thing in common.  Do you want to know what that is…..

Let’s back up….

Remember that feeling the first day you left your tinny toddler at the day care?  Going back to work was something you dreaded for months.  You have to work, but this tiny little creature full of poop & snot somehow brings you so much joy and again, we have a feeling we don’t want to let go of.  We have bills to pay, college to save for and all the toys, sports, clothes that comes with being a parent.  Kids aren’t cheap.  And somewhere down the line, we lost that feeling of excitement.  Somewhere, bills, tantrums and deadlines sucked the excitement out of parenting.

You were so full of joy, it spilled out of you and the whole world knew how happy you were, but now there is barely enough joy to fill your big toe.  The rest of you is filled with stress, frustration, anxiety, worry and expectations.  Now you have teenagers and life is no fun anymore.

I Want YOU To Get Excited About Your Life & Your Family!!!

What’s on your To Do List?

Are you getting everything you possibly can out of LIFE, or is LIFE getting everything it can out of you?

We all have a “To Do” List and most of us have a “Bucket List”.  Which one is more important for you?  What’s on your partner’s wish list?  Do your kids have wish lists?  Start a conversation!!

 

 

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

~Ghandi

Be the change you wish to see in your FAMILY!

~Andrea

I have faith in you!!  Mom to Mom, I know how hard it is to see members of your family struggling.  I understand how incredible hard it is to reach out and ask for the help you need.  There is so much judgement, and we are expected to know how to keep it all together.  I am a Mom and I, too, had a child who struggled.  I spent hours searching the internet for help.  Any piece of wisdom I could grab, and use to make my family better.  From that struggle, I gathered loads of the most useful pieces of information and compiled them together to create a plan to unify my family and all of us  help you create a plan, strategies that will actually work!!!

I know you have the drive, determination & motivation to create positive change in your family and that all of this is fueled by the LOVE you have for each of them.  Get started today.

Reach out with any questions, I’d love to help you stir up some excitement!!!

~Andrea