Exposing the Hard Truth About Your Relationship

If you know me, you know that I am about the hard truth. I will dig into situations and expose the ugly core, what really lies underneath all the pain, stress & heartbreak. And the truth is, sometimes you are the problem, you are the only one who is standing in your way.

Here’s what I mean:

The demise of a relationship is never 1 person’s fault. The blame needs to be shared equally, in all situations. Most people are going to disagree with this, citing abuse, infidelity or a number of other breakdowns; but the hard truth is, you were there. You played a role. Even if your role was to stay too long, you still contributed to the problem. Bear with me, I will explain further.

Playing the Blame Game

  • When you have an argument with your spouse, do you hold a grudge or are you able to simply move on after the smoke has cleared?
  • Are you able to kiss & make up immediately, or do you need to keep your distance, lick your wounds & wait for an apology?
  • While you are angry, will you allow your spouse to come close to try to sooth or console you, or do you push him/her away?

If your answer was grudge, distance & push; then you have a hard time letting go of hurt. You struggle to get over what has been said or done (or if you’re a woman; not said & not done). This argument has left you feeling unloved and perhaps violated to some degree.

Hard Truth

Your partner likely has nothing to do with how hurt you feel.

You see, most times, when we feel hurt, it is because something in our present situation has triggered something unresolved from a past situation. We are then projecting the old pain onto our current partner. In the moment, you whole-heartedly believe that your partner is to blame for the hurt feelings, because they are standing right there, but it may be stemming from something much different.

Surface Dwellers

In the heat of the moment, we often respond to what we see, hear & feel. Everything in that moment is on the surface. What we are not aware of, is how are brains are sensing the familiarity of the situation, recalling past events with similar circumstances, and in a desperate attempt to ensure your survival, bring up the emotions you felt way back then that have very little to do with the situation at hand. Because you are unaware of your brains involvement in this argument, you accept those feelings as a response to the current situation. This, is projection. When you blame your current partner for your unresolved past issues.

Surface dwellers will remain on the surface of every situation. They will avoid, at all costs, peeling back the layers and truly examining what lays beneath the surface, beneath the pain, beneath the frustration, resentment & disappointment. Instead, they blame the last person that triggered the negative emotions – which is usually the current partner.

Hard Truth – Choose to heal your past to avoid hurting your future.

Healing Your Past

As I said in the beginning (and thank you for having enough faith in me to continue to this point), if your relationships keep failing, the only constant is YOU. If your cycle of relationships is toxic or abusive, there is something in your past that is drawing you to this toxicity.

Your past is not your fault – your future is your responsibility.

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It takes two to tango, and the only way to have a healthy relationship, is to bring healthy people into the relationship. If one of you brings obvious toxicity, chances are the other has brought hidden, unacknowledged toxicity.

Hard Truth

Check yourself. Sometimes, you are the toxic person. Sometimes, you are the mean, negative person you are looking to push away. Sometimes the problem is you.

That doesn’t make you less worthy. Keep growing. Keep on checking yourself. Keep motivating yourself. Mistakes are opportunities. Look at them, own them, grow from them & move on. Do better. Be better. Your human, it’s ok to admit that sometimes, you’re the one who is ridiculous.

Hard Truth.

Next Steps

Firstly, I want to congratulate you on getting this far. This was not an easy post to read & I appreciate your ability to accept some really hard truths.

  1. Accountability. Own your shit. Stop throwing it at the people around you, the ones who truly love you.
  2. Find support. There are many different avenues to seek support in healing your past. If the wounds are deep, therapy might be the answer. Counseling or group therapy are great places to start. A Life Coach can help you become aware of your old habits and begin to replace them with healthy, new habits.
  3. Educate yourself. The internet can be a great tool, if used properly. Find blogs, webinars, podcasts and other forms of helpful insight. Here is a link to get you started.
  4. Forgiveness. Forgive your partner for whatever it is that brought you here. Forgive yourself for your own past.

The best truths, are usually the hard truths. Thank you for staying with me on this one. I know it wasn’t easy. Leave me a comment below if any of this resonated with you. The more we talk about this, the better we are equipped to deal with it. You never really know who needs to hear your story.

Your Life on Your Terms

How to Break the Cycle of Dyfunction

Recognising Family Dysfunction

Every family has a level of dysfunction, those family secrets that are not talked about outside of the home; abuse, addiction, problem child, mental health.

Did you know that these dysfunctions are passed down through generations?

  1. Violent men raise violent boys.
  2. Addicts raise addicts.
  3. Codependent women raise codependent daughters.
  4. Anxious parents raise anxious children.
  5. Victimized women raise girls to be victims.

Now this does not happen in every single case, but there is an increased likelihood that dysfunction will be passed down to the next generation. A child of dysfunction will either follow suit and continue the cycle, or veer the opposite way and take a left-wing stance for their own lives, but will continue the cycle by choosing a life partner who mirrors the dysfunction.

Why the Cycle?

This answer is simple; we can only teach what we know.

  1. If we know that the best way to get what you want is to threaten violence, then that is what we teach. (abuse)
  2. If we know that the best way to handle stress is to drink, then that is what we teach. (addiction)
  3. If we know that the best way to stay safe is to appease our partner, then that is what we teach. (codependence)
  4. If we know how to worry ourselves crazy about everything, then that is what we teach. (anxiety)
  5. If we know that our lives are dictated by the events that happen TO us, then that is what we teach. (victim)

Take a Look at Your Own Family

As I said, every family has some dysfunction. The first step to breaking the cycle is to recognise the cycle. What runs in your family? The best way to truly assess the toxicity or dysfunction in your family is to create a Genogram.

Family-Genogram

I used my own family in the example and I am child #2. As you can see, we have a long history of mental health issues & addiction. These issues did not directly effect everyone, but it did effect the course of their lives.

How Do I Break the Cycle?

Your past is not your fault, your future is your responsibility.

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Breaking the Cycles of Dysfunction is Possible.

  1. Create Awareness – start with your own genogram. grab a large piece of paper, pencil crayons & a ruler. Start with you, your siblings, children; working down. Then add your parents, aunts, uncles & grandparents. Use the legend in my example or create your own. When you are done, assess your diagram. What stands out? What have you learned?
  2. Ownership – What role do you play in the cycle of dysfunction? Are you anxious, a victim of abuse, child of addiction? You see, you only ever have 2 choices – You are part of the problem – or – you are part of the solution. Which will you be?
  3. Observe – with your new information, observe family interactions. How are difficult situations handled? Who over-reacts & when? Is conversation assertive or passive/aggressive? Do you recognise any of these behaviours in yourself?
  4. Children of dysfunction adapt a certain role or persona. Which one are you? Which persona have your children adapted?
  5. Find Support – There are several groups that help you recognise & offer support through family dysfunctions. Women on a Mission is a great place to find support on-line. You may also choose to Google groups in your local area.
  6. Social Awareness – take a look at all the people you surround yourself with – does the toxicity extend to your social circle?
  7. Patience – be patient with yourself. Having this new information or awareness can be overwhelming. Understand that the dysfunction in your family has been building for generations. It will take time for you to adapt to a new way of life.
  8. Seek Assistance – the most effective way to break the cycle is too seek assistance from a professional. If the damage runs deep, you may need to seek therapy or counseling. A Life Coach will help you assess your new information & work with you to overcome old habits.
* https://happyliving2you.blogspot.com/

Fast Track your Success

Your life experiences include fear, uncertainty, insecurity, loss of power or control. However; all of these have given you a very unique set of skills. Skills that can & will propel you into a much brighter future!! I know this because you are reading this blog post. You know that your current situation is NOT your final destination. You know that you want something different, but you’re not sure how or where to start.

If you’d like to know who you really are, without the weight of dysfunction, follow this link to experience your very own life-changing Power Hour.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to assist.

Andrea Scarborough Life Guide

Her Story – The Phoenix Rises

We all have a story.  Some of these stories are cherished memories, but often times, they are stories of tragedy, horrors, abuse, neglect and shame.

I have a few of these stories myself.  Stories of abandonment, neglect, shame, violence and abuse.  It was years of toxicity from people I trusted.  People who, by position in my life, were supposed to keep me safe, guide me & nurture me.  Sadly this wasn’t the case.

It took me a long time to see that this didn’t have to be my “norm”.  I didn’t have to be abused, I deserved to love & be loved, safely, confidently and honestly, without judgement.  I have been on my self-healing journey for 15 years now, and I grow stronger everyday!!  Today, I am much wiser, more confident, more self-aware and have the ability to say “NO” when I need to.  This is an amazing life I live!!

However; I am all too aware that there are still so many caught in this toxic life.  Women who are abused, physically and/or emotionally.  Women who are desperately trying to safely raise their children in a unhealthy, toxic environment.  This is no place to raise a child and it is no place to build a strong woman.

I have decided to do something.  I can’t sit and idly watch as this continues.  I am who I am today because someone dared to give me a voice.  I was allowed to tell my story.  The more I spoke, the less I feared.  It is now my turn to offer this same gift.

This is the first in hopefully a long series of blog posts. I am offering women a chance to tell their story.  Stories of past or current trauma.  These stories will be written into blog posts and shared with the world.  Anonymity will be offered for those who need it.  I will also link back to you, if you use your story to help heal & encourage others.

I will give you a voice.  Like the Phoenix, we will rise!  Together.  

If you, or someone you know would like to participate in this series, you can contact me here.

Please share this post.  We need to turn up the volume and tell our stories!!

Tina’s Story

Denyse’ Story

LeeAnne’s Story

Thank you, to all of you who supported me on my journey.  This wouldn’t be possible without you.  xoxo