My Name is Denyse

 

My Name is Denyse, and this is my Phoenix Story.

I grew up in a very dysfunctional family.  Abuse, addiction and violence were my norm.  This lead me to a highly dysfunctional marriage.  Today, I am strong, courageous, and FREE!

I struggled for several years caught in the cycle of anger, abuse, neglect, emotional starvation, and humiliation.  It was not only my immediate family, but spread across to members of extended family & friends.  I was abused, neglected & tormented.   This was my norm as a child and as a result, this is what I chose as an adult.  I naturally gravitated towards an angry, abusive husband, because this is how I thought I deserved to be treated.  You see, for 40 years, the very people who were supposed to love me, guide me, nurture me and keep me safe, were the ones who tried to destroy me.    Through years of therapy and Life Coaching, I have discovered that this is not my norm.  This is not who I am!!

Today, I am happy to report that I am growing into my authentic self.  The person I was designed to be and out of the person others tried to create.   Today, I can tell you that they have failed.  I have survived, and I have succeeded.    I am not broken, I am healing.  Today, I am a single Mom of an amazing young man.  We have had our fair share of struggles, but we are learning to accept these as opportunities for growth.  A chance to renew our perceptions.

I am choosing, everyday, to break the cycle.  I do not want my son to know the pain of growing up in dysfunction.  I want my son to know the power of self; self-conviction, self-empowerment, self-growth, self-confidence and self-esteem.  Together we are rewriting our story.

From the ashes of disaster, grow the roses of success.

You can rewrite your story too.  You can share your story to inspire more women, to end the cycle.  Please join me in our fight to #endthecycle

Here is Tina’s Story

My name is Denyse, and I am courageous!

Why do I suggest a Family Approach

Family Approach

I receive calls all the time about way-ward teens and a family in distress from parents at their wits-end, trying to figure how to control this child who refuses to go to school, get a job or is involved in the wrong crowd.  The most common phrase I hear is: “I did not raise him/her to be like this“. The majority of these parents want me to work with the child to motivate them, set them straight or fix the problem.  I’m good, but I’m not that good.  YOU are that good!!  You can motivate them, you can set them straight, you can fix them.  I can help you do that, if you will allow me explain a little further.

The Heart Attack

Think of someone you know who has suffered a heart attack.  The immediate response is not to shame the heart for stepping out of line.  We do not ask the kidneys or the liver to pick up the slack.  We certainly don’t kick the heart out until it changes it’s behaviour and try to go on with out it.   We don’t blame some external force for the heart attack.

To effectively treat a heart attack, we examine all aspects of the body, internal functions & external forces to create a well-rounded plan to prevent further episodes.  We look for ways to reduce both internal & external stressors.  We improve our diet, our physical exercise and work to reduce the toxins going into the body.  We find ways to reduce our stress at work & at home.  A heart attack is a symptom of a much larger problem – lifestyle.  To prevent another episode, we change our life-style.

The same can be said for how we address challenges within the family.

The Evolution of Parents

As a family grows, it develops processes for every situation.  These processes are rooted in our own childhoods.  Most of what we do as parents was taught to us by our parents.  Whether you feel it worked, or it didn’t, this is what you know.  Some parents (like me) choose to parent the opposite from what we were taught.  In times of stress, we hear our parent’s words fall out of our mouths.  For some of us, this is a pivotal moment.  “I have become my mother/father. ”   

Every generation of parents has new struggles.  Our Grandparents raised our parents through the 50’s & 60″s.  The hippie movement was not something our Grandparents new how to deal with.  Our grandparents came from a generation of a stiff up lip.  Feelings were not validated, it was all about the presentation.

Our parents were fighting to express their emotions & loosen the restrictions & expectations.  As our parents grew older, they blended their parents with their own generation and we ended up with parents who want their children to be free, but still expect a level of socially acceptable behaviour (meaning we still are expected to put on the stiff upper lip and deal with it).

Now we are parents, and we want to abolish the stiff upper lip, express emotions and genuinely connect with our kids, but someone thought we should do this through the internet.  What the @#$% do we do now?

Your Family

You have a child who is not acting in line with the values you tried to teach him/her.  You have tried everything.  You have exhausted all possible resources.  Your family now looks like this:

Mom is stressed beyond her limits, she’s not sleeping, struggling to find the energy to function at work.  She is consumed with worry for her child and out of desperation she focuses all her attention on the one who is struggling.  Mom, you are the nurturer.  You feel like a failure because you can’t find a way to help your child.

Dad is also stressed, but it comes out in anger or distance.  Dad has firm lines on acceptable behaviour.  Dad is tormented by the effect this one child is having on his wife, his family.  Dad, you are the hunter, the gatherer, the protector.  You can’t see a way to protect this child, so you protect the rest of the family from this child.

The other siblings are watching all of this with a very attentive eye.  They see Mom crying, they see Dad’s blood pressure go up.  They see and feel the family disintegrating.  They react to the situation in different ways:

The Pleaser – takes care of Mom and the other siblings.  He/she tries to ease the stress in the family.  Steps in during times of conflict to try to minimize the situation.

The Scapegoat – this child is blamed for the faults of others.  The result is anger and self-defeating behaviours.  (usually the child I am called to fix).

The Hero – The golden child.  Works hard at school, get good grades, helps out around the house.  Truly believes that if she/he is perfect enough, the family problems will go away.

The Lost Child – quiet, withdrawn, depressed & anxious.  Chooses to be alone.  Takes the blame for the issues in the family. (this may also be the child you want me to work with)

Working with the Family

Your family is a living, breathing entity that is connected on a very deep emotional level.  Your family is a body.  Each member of your family is a vital organ that is required to sustain life.  One child – the heart – has an episode.  You have seen it coming for a long time.  It didn’t just happen.  But now that it has, what do you do?

Just like treating a heart attack, we assess the family, the body.  We look at all the processes you have in place to nurture this family.  We look at some of the processes you brought in from previous generations.  We build on what works, we tweak what isn’t working.  We re-engage as a family with meaningful, purposeful, effective communication.  We take ownership for our own mistakes and learn to not project them on others.  We create a safe place where honesty is valued, nurtured and appreciated, no matter how much it hurts.  Every member of the family will have a specific set of strengths and we will enhance those strengths to not only create a vibrant future for that member, but create peace & harmony within the family.

The end result will be a family that once again is connected on a very deep emotional level.  A family who encourages individual talents, strengths and relies on that to enhance the family and each other.  The child who was struggling will find balance in the new processes.  The behaviours will cease and every member of the family will flourish.

Summary

You are already half way there.  Reading this post (this really long post), suggests that you can relate to this information.  You are not a terrible parent.  In fact you’re just the opposite!!  You are able to see an issue.  You are searching for a resolution.  You know that it is possible to return your family to the fun, loving, energetic, slightly crazy unit it once was.  You have the power, the drive, the motivation and the love to help your family.  You can see the  unlimited possibilities on the horizon. You realize that now is the time.  Today is the day.  You see the natural talents in your family and it is your dream for everyone to live the best life possible.  

I can and will work with your child that is struggling.  The more effective approach is to work with the family.  When you are ready, please find more information on my coaching packages.

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As always, loads of love,

~Andrea – Family Coach

The Day My Child Lost Her Joy

THE DAY MY CHILD LOST HER JOY
In an especially chaotic rush out the door to go on a family vacation, I sat in the passenger seat fuming. Mad because I didn’t have time to put the dishes in the dishwasher. Mad because we were late getting on the road. Mad because the garage door was acting up. I’m talking trivial, insignificant, minor inconveniences here, but that was the state of a distracted woman who could no longer see the blessings, only the inconveniences, of her life.

Before we were about to pull out of the driveway, my husband looked at me as if someone he loved very much had died. In a barely audible whisper he said, “You’re never happy anymore.”

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I wanted to defend.

I wanted to excuse.

I wanted to deny.

But I couldn’t.

Because I knew he was right.

Where had that happy woman gone? The one who smiled at people she passed on the street just because. The one whose friends often spoke of her positive outlook on life. The one who felt happy simply because she heard her favorite song or had a pack of strawberry Twizzlers in her purse. The one who could laugh off mistakes because mistakes happen, and they are certainly not the end of the world.

Where had she gone?

And that’s when I glanced to the backseat to see if my children, then ages six and three, had heard my husband’s words. Staring back at me was my older daughter picking her lip with worry the size of a small boulder weighing down her small shoulders.

As she pinched that tiny piece of fragile skin on her upper lip with wide eyes, I could practically read her mind:

Mom’s mad.

Mom’s tired.

Mom’s stressed.

But there was more. I could practically hear how a young child would interpret her mother’s unhappiness.

Mom’s mad at me.

Mom’s tired because of me.

Mom’s stressed because of something I did.

That’s when an even more powerful question hit me.

Where had my happy little girl gone? The one who woke up with the most gorgeous bedhead and good morning smile. The one who beamed at the words “sprinkler,” “cotton candy,” and “pet store.” The one who laughed so hard tears came to her eyes. The one who licked beaters with sheer pleasure and danced happily to any song with a beat.

Where had she gone?

I knew.

Because my happiness was based on external measures—on tasks being completed, plans running accordingly, goals being met, hairs being in place—I was continually disappointed … upset … impatient … and stressed. In the process of making my own life miserable, I’d funneled my unhappiness straight into my daughter’s once joyful heart and spirit. Her pain was a direct reflection of the expression I wore on my face.

I desperately wanted to bring a smile back to my daughter’s face. I knew I must bring it back to my own. I began praying for small steps I could take to become a more positive, present, and peace-filled person. On brightly colored sticky notes, I posted daily goals and positive mantras that came to me during morning prayer time. Especially prominent on my mirrors and cabinets were these two go-to phrases: “Only Love Today” and “See Flowers Not Weeds.”

I used the phrase Only Love Today to silence my inner bully. Whenever a critical thought would come to my mind or my mouth, I’d cut it off with Only Love Today. I used See Flowers Not Weeds as a pathway to gratitude, to see what was good in situations and people.

As Only Love Today and See Flowers Not Weeds became a daily practice, I felt a profound transformation occurring in my heart and home. No longer were my goals exclusively items that could be measured or checked off—they consisted of immeasurable items like listening, laughing, dreaming, playing, connecting, and loving. With a more meaningful daily goal, I was able to see the blessings in my imperfect self and in my imperfect life. My eager-to-please, helpful older child looked different too. I saw her for who she was, not an annoyance or a bother, but a loving child with clever thoughts and ideas. For once, I could see all the things she was capable of doing—not perfectly, but good enough for today. The tightness in my face relaxed and the smiles came more easily for both of us.

One morning, I looked out the kitchen window to see her making a little garden right there in the middle of the yard. I watched as she tended to her miniature plot. Her joyful smile made me take pause. Clearly, she was at peace tending to her garden. I took a picture and sent it to my parents. Nothing could have prepared me for the response I received. My parents wrote:

“Thank for this precious picture of our beautiful granddaughter. Over the last two years, we have seen a tremendous change in her. We no longer see a scared look in her eyes; she is less fearful about you being upset or impatient with her. She is much happier and more relaxed. She is thriving and growing into a content, creative, and nurturing person. We know for a fact the changes we see in her coincide with the changes we have also seen in you.”

I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs.

When I was struggling to breathe beneath the weight of perfection, distraction, and self-induced pressure, my child was too.

My daughter had absorbed my tension.

She had absorbed my frustration.

She had absorbed my anxiety.

She had absorbed my unhappiness.

And as my negative emotions were being filtered down to her, they impacted her ability to grow, thrive, and blossom.

If I didn’t know it before, I know it now:

Our children are our garden. They absorb our stress, just as they absorb our peace. They absorb our negativity just as they absorb our joy. And we have the power to control what they absorb, but first, we must tend to ourselves.

It might sound like this:

Dear one, you have feelings. They are worth listening to and acknowledging.

You have limits. They are necessary to keep in place as a means of valuing your time and honoring your health.

You have dreams. You are worthy of time to pursue what makes your heart come alive.

You have needs. You deserve affection, rest, sustenance, and grace.

Perhaps you forgot that it is necessary to look after YOU. It’s okay. I forget too. But we still have today. Thank God, we still have today.Today let’s tend to ourselves as we do our loved ones. Perhaps we can make it a habit. We’ll never know how much we can grow and flourish until we take time to tend to what is most precious.


***Negative behaviours in your children are often a direct result of your own emotions.  Emotions your children feel, cannot understand, but simply react to If you’d like to reduce the effects of your emotions on your children, please contact me for a FREE Consultation.  

This post was written by Molly Kathleen.  Thank you Molly for articulating this in a way that I couldn’t.  This is powerful, raw, and direct.  


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Boredom is actually good for your kids!

Boredom is good!! 

Boredom teaches some of the most valuable skills we will ever use In life. Parents are afraid of letting their kids be bored.  But why?  Why the need to have them occupied every minute of every day?

“Mommy, I’m bored.”

When I was a kid, those were 3 words that never fell out of our mouths.  Mom’s response was usually to occupy us with some horrible chore, scrubbing the bathroom floor, cleaning out the cupboards or weeding flower beds.   We very quickly learned that it was going to be much more fun to occupy ourselves.  We climbed trees, invented imaginary friends, played with real friends, rode our bikes and usually got quite dirty.  BUT, we weren’t scrubbing floors.

I always thought it was horrible of my mother to expect us to do such horrible tasks when we were so little.  I vowed that I would never ask my kids to do such terrible things.

Then I became a Mom and I heard “Mom, I’m bored”.  I think it was the only thing my kids knew how to say.  It was their go to response for everything!  Suddenly, I hear myself saying, “Go find something to do, or I will find you something to do”, and they were off like a shot and I had become my mother…

Here’s the thing about boredom;

Boredom teaches us amazing things.

  • Problem-solving skills – I needed to NOT scrub floors, so I solved that problem by climbing trees.
  • Self-awareness – when I was little, scrubbing floors reminded me of Cinderella.  I knew we did not live in a land of magical Princes and I was not going to be rescued, so I was not going to start a life of scrubbing floors.
  • Decision-making Skills – I didn’t like the choices my mother had for me, so I decided to make some choices for myself.
  • Creative Thinking – My sister & I built forts, climbed trees, and pretended we had lovely little prefect lives.  We had careers, husbands, and mansions in the trees.  We were creative and we had huge, endless imaginations when we were little, that guided us through the rest of our lives.

Smart Phones

Addicition
Find ways to Digitally Detox your home.

Today, kids are glued to some sort of device from a very early age.  I see toddlers playing games of phones while they wait in line at the grocery store.  Electronic games do not allow you to develop these skills as effectively.  There is always a button that gives you further instruction.  They enter an imaginary world that is completely designed for them, they don’t get to make any choices or creatively influence the story.  They just follow along like little sheep.  There are several games that promote creativity, problem-solving or decision-making, but they are not designed for real world issues.  My sister & I created our imaginary world from the world we actually lived in.  We chose the parts of life we liked and inserted them into our imagination and we corrected the parts we didn’t like.  Skills we still use today.

Guide to Introducing Technology and other handy resources here.

The greatest skills our children are lacking:

  • Interpersonal Relationships – When my sister & I fought (and we fought a lot), we learned quite early that it was best for us to settle our differences, because Mom’s solution was not going to be fun.  So we taught ourselves to compromise, to reason, to be fair and to apologize.
  • Effective Communication – In our tiny little, perfect, imaginary worlds, we still had needs.  There were no adults there (because we didn’t want them), so we had to learn to use our words, to say what we needed, and say it in a way that was polite and respectful.
  • Empathy – One day, when we were in our imaginary world’s, I slipped and fell out of the tree, hitting my head on a rock.  I don’t remember a lot about that, but I do remember watching as my sister suddenly had super-human speed & strength.  She was out of her tree, beside me, helping me up and screaming for Mom or Dad all in the blink of an eye.  She was my Hero that day.  She never left my side, sitting there, right beside me as the doctor stitched my head back together.  She was there holding my hand.  She was there for the next few days as we moved our imaginary worlds a little closer to the ground (problem-solving & creative thinking).  I knew she felt bad, even though none of it was her fault.
  • Managing feelings/Emotions –  I think the worst sin was to swear at either of my parents.  Yes, they made me angry.  The expectation was, that I would use some of my Effective Communication skills to try to manage my anger and respectfully state my case.  I developed quite a skill and still use it today.
  • Dealing with stress – kids have all kinds of stresses in the real world.  We learned to deal with it in our imaginary worlds.
positive parenting
Natural Consequences

I think the most important skill is Critical Thinking.  Critical thinking is what allows us to learn from our mistakes.  Take all of the skills we have learned and apply them to create solutions.  Allowing children to experience Natural Consequences is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.  We have all had that argument about wearing a coat.  Some days you just have to let them figure it out by themselves.   I will write another post about Natural Consequences later (it’s a topic all by itself).

So, in short, unplug your kids.  Let them be bored.  Let them get dirty.  Let them run, play, create, believe, argue, fall and scrape a knee.  Let them be kids, but most importantly; let them learn.

Loads of love

~Andrea

 

 

 

 

Family Structure

Inner Workings of a Family

Family, the first group of people we know.  We depend on our family to help us create a sense of self.  Our Family gives us anchor in a crazy world.

Think of someone you know who has suffered a heart attack.  The immediate response is not to shame the heart for stepping out of line.  We do not ask the kidneys or the liver to pick up the slack.  We certainly don’t kick the heart out until it changes its behaviour and try to go on with out it.   We don’t blame some external force for the heart attack.

To effectively treat a heart attack, we examine all aspects of the body, internal functions & external forces to create a well-rounded plan to prevent further episodes.  We look for ways to reduce both internal & external stressors.  We improve our diet, our physical exercise and work to reduce the toxins going into the body.  We find ways to reduce our stress at work & at home.  A heart attack is a symptom of a much larger problem – lifestyle.  To prevent another episode, we change our life-style.

The same can be said for how we address challenges within the family.  A struggling child is merely a symptom of a dysfunction within the family.    These dysfunctions can be addressed quickly providing the family as a whole is willing to look at both the internal & external stressors and adjust the lifestyle of the family to prevent further episodes.  But how do we do this?

Join a Community of Parents just like you!!

Let’s first begin by defining your role.  I’ve met many families where roles are reversed – the man is the mom and the woman is the dad, or same sex parents, or platonic friendships raise the children, whatever your family looks like, let’s first figure out who you are.

The Mom

  • Nurturer – provides the soft, emotional guidance to children
  • Nester – creates a loving, stable environment
  • Sustainer – provides essentials to sustain life – nourishment, medical care
  • Teacher – promotes transition of milestones – sitting up, first steps
  • Soft skills – interpersonal relationships, empathy, critical thinking
  • Emotional – guided by gut instinct and emotions

The Dad

  • Provider – earns the most money
  • Protector – creates a level of intimidation to outsiders
  • Gatherer – brings in food, clothing, shelter
  • Disciplinarian – teaches the hard lessons – natural consequences
  • Hard Skills – problem solving, using tools, maintenance of home/car, catch a ball
  • Logical – guided by reason & logic

These are just guidelines.  The Mom may be the nurturer, the nester, the sustainer, the provider and the teacher of hard skills.  My point is, which one best describes you and your role in the family?

As we continue in this post, these are the terms I will be using, not the stereotypical mom is a girl, dad is a boy.

Roles of the Children

The children take on various roles as well.  Depending on the level of conflict in your home, your children will adapt to their surroundings. Psychologists have studied family dynamics and determined that there are 4 personas a child will develop to manage their family situation.

The Pleaser
  • Takes care of the emotional parent and the other siblings.
  • He/she tries to ease the stress in the family.
  • Steps in during times of conflict to try to minimize the situation.
The Scapegoat
  • This child is blamed for the faults of others.
  • The result is anger and self-defeating behaviours.
The Hero
  • The golden child.
  • Works hard at school, get good grades, helps around the house.
  • Truly believes that if she/he is perfect enough, the family problems will go away.
The Lost Child
  • Quiet, withdrawn, depressed & anxious.
  • Chooses to be alone.
  • Takes the blame for the issues in the family.

Murray Bowen – The Bowen Centre for the Study of Family

It is the nature of a family that its members are intensely connected emotionally. Often people feel distant or disconnected from their families, but this is more feeling than fact. Families so profoundly affect their members’ thoughts, feelings, and actions that it often seems as if people are living under the same “emotional skin.” People solicit each other’s attention, approval, and support and react to each other’s needs, expectations, and upsets. The connectedness and reactivity make the functioning of family members interdependent. A change in one person’s functioning is predictably followed by reciprocal changes in the functioning of others. Families differ somewhat in the degree of interdependence, but it is always present to some degree.

This “emotional skin” that Bowen speaks of explains a lot about what happens in your family.  When your teenager screams something very hurtful at you, you take this personally.  She has rocked you to your core.  No-one will ever hurt you as much as a member of your family because you all share the same deep-rooted emotional connection.

When your children were little, you could see that their emotions mirrored that of the emotional parent.  They were learning from you how to react to situations.  If you were scared, they were scared, if you were stressed, they were stressed.  You eventually picked up on this and tried to shield your emotions from your children.  But it always seemed as though you had a fussy child at the most inconvenient time.  Temper tantrums would erupt when you had to race around to complete errands, meet deadlines, clean the house and put on your happy pants because the in-laws were coming for dinner.  Today was not the day for this child to be miserable – you did not have time!!  The reality of this scenario is that your child was simply mirroring your stress & frustration.  Their little worlds were out of balance because you were out of balance.  You ask them what’s wrong and the usual answer was “I don’t know.”  How could they know, they were just picking up on your emotions and reacting the only way they knew how.

During times of adult stress, we tend to focus our attention on the stressor; bills, errands, relationship, politics or world drama.  We create space between us and our children to shield them from these stressors.  Our role as parents is to protect our children.  However; we have unknowingly created the opposite effect.  As we will discuss in a future module, the connection between family members is so strong that it will predict future outcomes.  Children develop a sense of self by watching you.  They learn what scares them, what pleases them and what nourishes them.  Their likes, dislikes all come from the family.

The less developed a person’s “self,” the more impact others have on his functioning and the more he tries to control, actively or passively, the functioning of others. The basic building blocks of a “self” are inborn, but an individual’s family relationships during childhood and adolescence primarily determine how much “self” he develops. Once established, the level of “self” rarely changes unless a person makes a structured and long-term effort to change it. – Murray Bowen

In short, if a parent is unable to truly connect with a child, this alters their sense of self, their place in the family.  They will search for ways, either actively, or passively to find a connection – to someone or something.  This is the root of family issues.  This is where the regression started.

In a regression, people act to relieve the anxiety of the moment rather than act on principle and a long-term view.– Murray Bowen

Let’s fast forward to today.  You are sitting here desperately seeking information on how to help your teenage child.  They have lost their way.  They are struggling, and it is manifesting in a variety of ways; poor grades at school, victim of bullying, hanging out with the wrong crowd, lack of motivation, experimenting with substances, self-harm or addicted to technology.

You are a strong parent and your child is not living in line with the values you tried to teach them.  You taught them to respect others, do their best, and be a productive member of society.  So where did it all go wrong?  How did we get here?

Think about the emotional connection you have with this child, the connection they have with other members of the family.  Could it be that they feel a disconnect?  Whether or not it is physically present, could they perceive themselves as an outsider, or not worthy?  Was there a time, when your attention was focused elsewhere?

I want to take some time here and explain that I too had a child that acted out.  She was the Lost Child, spent most of her time alone, engaged in self-harm and lacked enough drive or determination to pursue her own goals in life.  I spent countless hours searching for answers.  We spent years going from one psychologist to another, treatment programs, emergency rooms, and I eventually had to take a year off work to care for her after a rather serious attempt at suicide.  I felt as though I had failed her.  She was this vibrant, beautiful little girl with an infectious smile, and somehow, she became withdrawn and highly introverted.

In my years of research, I discovered several helpful hints and an equal number of not-so-helpful hints.  My goal is to spare you the years of searching for answers.  I may not have them all here, but this will be an excellent place to start.  This will give you the foundation to move forward.

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Like you, while I was raising my children, life happened; abusive relationships, divorce, single parent, job loss, and older daughter became seriously ill and was involved in a potentially life-threatening car accident.  These are things that I couldn’t control.  I now know, that these are all considered trauma.  Traumas that I did not have time to deal with.  Traumas that I pushed aside for the betterment of my children.  This is where my younger daughter lost her connection.  I am very happy to report, that we have worked hard to re-establish her sense of self & her sense of connection.  We still aren’t perfect, but we keep trying.

Today, all my children have tools that will serve them well as they become parents.  We have learned to openly, respectfully & effectively communicate.  We have learned to lean on one another and rally to support each other.  Together, we have created a legacy that will continue through future generations.  You can do this too.

I can’t promise you it will be easy, but it will be worth it!!

It is my hope that you have a greater understanding of how you got to where you are.  My intent is not to blame you for the position you find yourself in, but to create awareness.  Dr. Phil, and so many others like him, tend to blame the parents for the mistakes of the child.  This is not my intention.  My intention is to create awareness that while you were busy, parenting, working and reacting to the situations before you, things happened.  Things that are not apparent in the beginning.  Sir Isaac Newton said, “Every action has an opposite & equal reaction.”  This is what happened.  You did not fail your child or your family, you simply reacted with the information you had at the time.

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